Lost in thought

Last night as I laid awake lost in my thoughts and worry my phone rang. My oldest son works night shift so at almost midnight I see his number come through. I immediately answer. On the other end of the phone I hear "I just witnessed a man lose his life", through the fought back tears. I instantly asked what happened and he stated there had been a car accident. He was in shock and disbelief at what he had just witnessed, but after he had stated what he had seen he followed it with I want you to know how much I love you and appreciate you. It was in that moment that he understood all the times I had told him how precious life is, and how instantly it can be taken away from you. He spoke to me about how he looked back on the past couple months of his life and realized how all the little things that he had worried about were meaningless in the sense of what really matters. We spoke about faith for a while, about how life changes so quickly, and just how crazy this whole world is at the moment. I had told him about how I had been so anxious the last couple weeks and feeling overwhelmed with my own situations. He said when he feels that way he runs through his checklist, am I still breathing, did I eat today, am I upright on my own two feet. He said we can control a couple of those things but have to be really thankful for one.

As this world around us is swirling through the ever unknown, I find myself restless. Looking for answers when there seems to be none. Sorting through what is important and what isn't. Finding it harder and harder to ignore the things I can't change and wishing so badly that I could. I have lost sleep the past couple weeks, paced the floor at one in the morning as I shut off televisions still playing as everyone has fallen fast asleep. All the while unsure what has been so unsettling, but knowing all at the same time. We suffer silently sometimes as if not to burden those around us and our minds and body pay the price.

As we said our goodbyes and hung up the phone, I laid there lost in thought. There was a family out there getting ready to hear some news that would forever change their lives. I prayed for a moment that they would find peace, and then I prayed that I would too. It is so hard to calm our minds and hearts in this scary world we live in. It is hard to find the light in the darkness.

I am hoping soon to find that peace inside that used to consume where this term oil currently occupies. I hope to remind myself how precious life is and how instantly it can all be taken away. I want to hope for a world where fear isn't at the forefront of our daily lives and people love each other more than they hate. I hope we teach our children that life isn't a competition or a race. Teach them to slow down and remember what is really important. Teach them to be humble and grateful. Teach ourselves those same lessons and remember what really matters, before it's too late.